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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Another 10

Word of the Day: ClassicImage

I spent my first ten years sorting the world, learning how to navigate. The next ten I spent choosing a direction. Deciding where to go. These last ten years I fear I have wasted. I focused on school at the cost of my education. I worked jobs that made school continent instead of ones that led to valuable experience. I haven’t been writing as much as I needed to, because school all day and work all night then homework later that night then try to sleep so I’m not a danger on the road, the cycle forces me to sacrifice what I want to do for something that I think I should. When I do find that brief moment for something my brain doesn’t want to work. So I click around the internet. Look at FaceBook and see the people I should be talking to in real life. Play games designed to ensnare me.

For me birthdays are like my own personal new year’s. I sit myself down and have a heart to heart. I see what my goals are and I evaluate how I’m doing with them. This can get frustrating at times because sometimes I can only see the things I’m not doing. Now today as I look back on another decade I have to ask myself what I’m doing with my life. I want to be a writer. I want to be done with school so I can quit the job that makes school so possible. I want to be with people.

My third decade has been one of increasing isolation. It’s a thing that is hard to break. Like quicksand, the deeper you go the more sand there is over you, pushing you down. In the movies it’s always someone else who has to pull you out. Just writing about it makes me feel the weight of it more. It’s dangerous. Last Tuesday as I was helping ship out the Schlock Mercenary Challenge coins we got to talking about the troubles of the world. We came to the idea that at the root of all these horrible things is isolation. People tend to make it easier to do horrible things when they see themselves as alone. Of course most of this was just my own inner dialogue. I’ve always had this silence that I wear like a shroud. It’s hard for me to break out of it. It does have its uses, you’d be amazed at the things people tell me. I don’t know if they just think that I’m trustworthy because I don’t talk much or if it makes them uncomfortable and they wring their brain for things to fill the silence. This is helpful as a writer, I can study people this way.

I don’t mean for this to sound depressing. There is a lot of good in my life. I do get some writing done. I always carry a notebook. I’m always collecting inspiration and education. I just don’t want the next ten years to be like the last ten. It’s time to make decisions that allow me to do what I want to do. To be the person I want to be. This post if part of that, I’m going to start posting more. I know I keep saying that. One thing I’m going to do is post some of my goals. Another is to share this on FaceBook. Let the people in my life know that I’m actually blogging. I’m sorry, some days I’m just going to be posting random words. I’ll see what I can do about getting a story up here so you don’t have to take my word for it that I’m a writer. Then of course you can see just how terrible a writer I am.

Anyways, long story short: it’s time to turn my life because I don’t like where it’s going.

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